Friday, May 26, 2006

The Book of George

The Book of George
Chapter One

1. And George the Elder spake unto Barbara of Kennebunkport, formerly Barbara of New York, and said “We shall name him George as well. God smiles upon him by granting him my knowledge of economics.”
2. And Barbara of Kennebunkport said “I know not whether our son shares your knowledge of economics. I do know that he very nearly hung himself upon the umbilical cord. Perchance he not be the most productive oil well in the field?”
3. “Perhaps it is so”, George the Elder said. “Our children lead me to believe they womb be tainted, fair Barbara.”
4. “Even the most fertile field yields a perverted crop when fertilized by a dullard,” Barbara of Kennebunkport replied.
5. “The child drooleth muchly,”: George the Elder said, not trying to hide his disgust. “Give it yon pretzel to chew on and soak that up.”

Chapter Two
1. Not much is known of George the Younger as he grows up. Time runneth around him as though he cease to exist. ‘Tis a pattern that appears again during Vietnam.
2. George the Younger gathered yon Twelve Apostles around. He said “Kenny Boy, if a leper asketh for alms, what shouldst I do?”
3. And the Apostle Kenny Boy said “Thou art a decent soul, George, but too kind. What thou shouldst do is think about the amount of alms that thou wouldst have given the leper and give it to the energy industry in his stead.”
4. And George said “But… What of his hunger? If a leper starveth to death, are we not supposed to help?”
5. And the Apostle Rummy spake, saying “Nah. If you let him eat once, he’ll want to eat again. Over time, it eats into the military budget.”
6. The Apostle Condi said “We must split the money evenly between the military and the energy industry.”
7. The Apostle Rush said “The Apostle Condi speaks wisely. She was only appointed because she’s black and the liberal media was desirous of having a black woman apostle. But she has done much with the position. She’s miving on up. To the East Side. To a deluxe apartment in the sky. Has anyone seen my… um… vitamins?”
8. The Apostle Hastert snapped Rush’s man bra strap. Angered muchly, Rush popped Hastert’s man bra strap.
9. And George sayeth “What sayeth the Apostle Strom?”
10. The Apostle Dick said “George, how many times must we tell you? Strom hath been dead for thirty years. We carried him all these years like Weekend at Bernie’s, pretending him to be alive so that a Democrat might not win his seat. We had to give it up two years ago when his head fell off.”
11. And George sayeth “So… If we feed a starving man, he’ll only want to eat again, and that will make the military weak. So only people that hate America want to feed the hungry.”
12. Rummy sayeth “Finally, he gets it!”
13. “No financial help for the starving,” sayeth George.
14. “Halleleujah!” sayeth the other eleven apostles as the Apostle Rush muncheth his… um… vitamins.
15. “Plenty of financial help for those who don’t need it, right?” George asketh.
16. “Yes! Hallelujah!” the apostles shout.
17. “Finally,” sayeth George, “I am ready to be president!”
18. The apostles grew silent. Whether at the statement or all the pretty colors that danced before his eyes, even Rush grew silent.
19. Rummy leaned over to Dick and spake “Um… Shall we tell him he’s president already?”
20. Dick leaned over to Rummy and said “Verily, I would say nothing if thou wouldst say nothing.”

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