Wednesday, July 05, 2006

How Republicans Can Win the Culture War

I've been thinking. I do that sometimes.

Republicans don't really connect with people all that well. Every once in a while, they fake populism pretty well, but it usually ends up as fleeting and phony as Kevin Costner's on again off again British accent in Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves.

If they really want to connect to America, they'll have to make some right wing movies.

And yes, helpful guy that I am, I've come up with a few recommendations.

Pirates of the Potomac: Dead Man's Chest: It's the harrowing tale of famed pirate George W. Sparrow and his even more hapless brother Jeb searching for the plunder stashed away by the late pirate Kenny Boy.

Start Wars Episodes I - III: In his quest to make the office of the presidency strong enough to suspend the Constitution altogether, young Georgakin Skywalker falls under the influence of the evil Darth Halliburton and rules the galaxy until his administration tooples under the weight of its own corruption. Episode I sees him meet his benefactor, Qui-Gon Lay. Episode II, Clone of the Attack, revolves around the beginning of an endless war. And Episode III reveals the hand of Darth Halliburton to be behind everything that's happened.

Almost Competent: A thirteen year old that aspires to write for National Review joins the insane travelling road show known as the 2000 George W. Bush campaign and learns about push polling from Karl Rove, gay bashing from George W. Bush, and learns a lesson in love from a groupie named Condi Lane.

The Oddfather: George H.W. Bushio is at the head of a vast criminal empire. His son Jeb is eager to run the empire once the old man is gone. His son George Jr is more capable (Although only slightly), but is more interested in doing kegstands at Andover. Together with Consigliere Dick Chenio, Capo Rumsfeldio, and the only Jew they trust, Jack Abramoff, they consolidate their control over the rackets while making war on the moderate wing of the Republican Party. Watch for the big scene where they put a horse's head in the bed with Katherine Harris's boyfriend and he doesn't notice the difference.

The Gay Wedding Singer: Aspiring rock star Ricky Santorum earns his living singing show tunes at civil ceremonies for gay couples. An affair has ended badly and he's about to give up on true love, but then he sees Jeff Gannon across the crowded room...

The Passion of the Shrub: It's the month of August, and the entire senior staff of the White House flogs, whips, and beats George W. Bush in an attempt to steer him back to the office and away from the fishing hole in Crawford.

Conservatives in the Mist: Helen Thomas journeys deep into the heart of Texas to live among the conservatives, these creatures that look almost like normal human beings, to explain their strange ways to those who subscribe to civilized thought.

Homeland Security Office Space: New Orleans is under water. Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff and FEMA Director Mike "Heckuva job, Brownie" Brown work very hard to find out who ate the last Danish in the cafeteria.

Weekend at Ronnie's: George and Karl have a great idea for boosting George's sagging numbers--- They'll dig up Ronald Reagan and have him stump for them. They are aided in their quest by Bill Frist, who says "I have reviewed the videotape, and it is my diagnosis that Reagan has significant brain activity, perhaps even more than when he was in office". He may be half right.

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