Green, apparently. I’m still alive. You are, if you’re reading this. And no global nuclear war broke out last night, despite the dire warnings of the House of Yahweh.
So I wanted to follow up yesterday’s phone call by contacting the whackos directly yet again. I gave them plenty of time just in case they were in some different time zone.
Don’t try this at home, kids. But if you do, their phone number is 325-893-5899.
HOY: House of Yahweh.
ME: I want to file a complaint. I would appreciate if you would connect me to the proper party.
HOY: What’s the nature of your problem?
ME: You guys told me there was going to be a global nuclear war, and that I was quite likely to die. So I figure there’s no better way to go out than sex, but the only girl around was really ugly. I thought “Why not? Not like I have to call her tomorrow”.
HOY: This is impro---
ME: So now, I not only have memories of this, but she knows where I live. Do you realize how bad this is? We thought we were going to die, so we didn’t use protection. If we have an ugly baby, it’s your fault!
HOY: Hold, please.
I have to hand it to them. They came back to the phone fairly quickly once again. If they weren’t rabid lunatics, I would recommend hiring them at the cable company.
HOY: May I help you?ME: Well, since you guys had me thinking we were all going to die in a nuclear holocaust last night---
HOY: Have a good day, sir.
ME: But if that woman from last night is pregnant, the ugly baby is on your conscience.
HOY: Good day.
ME: Do you know what a fucktard is?