Friday, September 08, 2006

Sneak Preview of Bush's 9/11 Speech

He's reserved a few minutes of network TV time for Monday night, and yep, it's been leaked.

Fellow Amerrcans,

Five years ago today, I was reading stories with some kids. Some guy comes up to me and says "Mr. President, we're under attack". It was a real pain in the ass, because we were just coming to the good part of the story. Now, people have been mean to me because I sat and read "My Pet Goat" for a while longer, but them people have it all wrong. It's called "THE Pet Goat". That durn goat eats everything, and it's the funniest damn thing since I said "pull my finger" to Tony Blair's wife during a state dinner.

Anyhoo, on 9/11, or shortly thereafter, I made a solemn promise to my fellow Amerrcans. "Osama bin Laden, wanted dead or alive". I didn't realize at the time that he had been framed by Saddam Hussein. Now, now it looks like Saddam was framed by Mahmoud Ahme... Ahme... You know, that guy in Iran. We're now hearing reports that Fidel Castro's brother might have had something to do with it too.

I'm now in my second presidentiary. Iraq's new president is in his first presidentiary, only he doesn't call it a presidentiary because he's not a presidentiarier. I'm working to secure his promise that both platoons of the new Iraqi military will help us look for Iraq's weapons of mass destruction in Iran, or wherever they may be hiding.

It's very important to remember that even though most of those nineteen hijackers were Saudi, their leader was Saudi, and most of the money behind the terrist group was Saudi, it was an Iraqi operation. Because otherwise, people are going to rise up and toss me into the streets. I'd like to thank Congress for the bipartisan effort to save my tuckus. The efforts of brave and honorable men like Bill First, Duke Cunningham, and Tom DeLay would mean little were they not helped by Democrats like Joe Lieberman and Harold Ford on the other side. I love you too, Harold.

I heard this report last week that I find disturbing. See, it turns out there are three different kinds of Iraqis. The Sunnis, the Shia, and the... Um... Other ones. Who knew?

Anyhoo, I'm hoping that Amerrcans will join me in building a gooder, stronger Amerrca. Like that Six Million Dollar Guy... "I'll build you stronger... Gooder..." He he...

But first, I'm asking all of you to join me in a moment of silence, during which I'm going to run for the door. I got to the good parts five years ago, but I'm still a few minutes shy of actually finishing "The Pet Goat".

Thank you and God Bless.

Look! A weapon of mass destruction! [Runs for the door]

6 comments:

David Holt said...

You sanctimonious and vile excuse for a human being. You're not even fit to wash Bush's dishes.

Anonymous said...

Obviously the work of a Republican troll ...

Dabney

Freedonian said...

David,

Judging by the looks of my kitchen, I'm also not fit to wash my own.

Princess Dabness,

Naturally!

Hobie said...

It's been reported to this observer that the weapon of mass destruction noted in the final sentence was in fact a nefarious cream puff...

nut-meg said...

Actually, Bush just got confused... When they say WMD, they mean "weapon of minor discomfort". Seeing as we found several poorly manufactured folding chairs in Saddam's palaces, the whole war thing is justified.

Freedonian said...

Hobie,

Things just haven't been the same since we found out that "Saddam's nerve gas" was actually the expulsion of flatus after a trip to the Baghdad Taco Bell.

Nut-meg,

I think I read that over at National Journal.