Thursday, December 14, 2006

Open Letter to Mary Cheney

Miss Cheney,

I just wanted to congratulate you on your pregnancy. Despite the horrible things your father allows to be said about you and others like you, I’m sure you and your longtime partner will make excellent parents. Heather must be an extremely patient soul, and she must love you a great deal to stick around despite your old man.

Miss Cheney--- I can call you “Miss Cheney”, can I not? After all, wasn’t it your father that said gay marriage was an issue for states to decide? How inconvenient for you, Heather, and the baby that you carry that you happen to live in Virginia, one of the states that took his words to heart. As the rest of the nation went to the polls to tell your father and his friends that they didn’t approve of the way they do business, the voters in your state, in accordance with what your father said, went to the polls and said that the love between you, Heather, and your baby is something less than the love between a man and a woman.

The new law in Virginia says that not only can you and Heather not marry, but that she can’t become the adoptive parent of your child. Does Hallmark make a proper thank you card to send your father?

I understand you also have a home in Colorado--- I realize it means giving up the position at AOL, but I would highly recommend moving there. Your dad’s evangelist friends couldn’t get the job done there, so there’s still the possibility that you might be able to marry Heather.

Speaking of Heather--- You two have been a couple for a very long time. Fifteen years. That’s damn impressive. I truly respect that. Fifteen years is a long time for any couple these days--- Much less a couple dealing with the additional social pressures that no heterosexual couple would face.

It does lead to a question you might not want to answer, though--- Does your mother have Alzheimer’s?

I ask this because you seem to have been out of the closet for quite some time. Wikipedia has you listed as being one of the people that helped end the gay boycott of Coors Beer--- That boycott, according to my research, ended in 1995. By my math, you and Heather had been an item for four years by that point.

In addition, Bush/ Cheney 2000 used your homosexuality as a campaign issue when they were pretending to be “compassionate conservatives”. Yet that same year, your mother scolded Cokie Roberts for acknowledging that you were a lesbian, pretending that you had never come out of the closet. We got an encore of that performance in 2004 when both of your parents, at various points, pretended that John Kerry and John Edwards had “outed” you against your will.

Curious.

Anyway, I wanted to let you know that unlike your father’s friends, progressives are in your corner. Not necessarily all Democrats--- I won’t pretend otherwise. But the truly progressive ones don’t feel that the government should be in the business of defining or restricting the relationship between two consenting adults.

Frankly, you, Heather, and the baby deserve to stand beside people that are proud to stand beside you. In light of that, if the baby is a girl, I would recommend naming her “Kerry”. If it’s a boy, I would recommend “Edward”.

Again, congratulations.

Yours truly,
The Freedonian

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