Thursday, February 22, 2007

The McCain vs. McCain Debate


Fact: John McCain wants to be president.

So much campaign rhetoric has been thrown about over the last few months that it's only fitting to go ahead and kick off debate season now. And I'll be moderating the first debate.

In one corner, we have Maverick Senator John McCain.

In the other corner, we have the only man bold enough to stand up to Maverick Senator McCain--- Presidential Candidate John McCain.

Maverick Senator McCain, you won the coin toss, so you get to start things off. Tell us what you think of the evangelical movement in America.

Maverick Senator McCain: Neither party should be defined by pandering to the outer reaches of American politics and the agents of intolerance, whether they be Louis Farrakhan or Al Sharpton on the left, or Pat Robertson or Jerry Falwell on the right. (2/28/00)

Me: Very good, Senator. Presidential Candidate McCain, you may now rebut.

Presidential Candidate McCain: I met with Rev. Falwell. He came to see me in Washington. We agreed to disagree on certain issues, and we agreed to move forward. (4/2/06)

Me: Clearly, our two candidates disagree. Now, I'll ask our two candidates: Has the war in Iraq been properly managed? Presidential Candidate McCain, I'll let you start this one.

Presidential Candidate McCain: We are paying a very heavy price for the mismanagement — that's the kindest word I can give you — of Donald Rumsfeld, of this war. The price is very, very heavy and I regret it enormously. (2/19/07)

Me: Well, you can't get more clearly stated than that. Shades of the "Straight Talk Express". Maverick Senator McCain, your response?

Maverick Senator McCain: While Secretary Rumsfeld and I have had our differences, he deserves Americans' respect and gratitude for his many years of public service. (11/06)

Me: Straight talk indeed. Maverick Senator McCain, I'll allow you to start this one. Where do you stand on Roe vs. Wade?

Maverick Senator McCain: I’d love to see a point where it is irrelevant, and could be repealed because abortion is no longer necessary. But certainly in the short term, or even the long term, I would not support repeal of Roe v. Wade, which would then force X number of women in America to illegal and dangerous operations. (8/24/99)

Me: Presidential Candidate McCain, your rebuttal?

Presidential Candidate McCain: I do not support Roe versus Wade. It should be overturned. (2/18/07)

Me: Short and straight to the point. Since the Clinton years, the Republican Party has been on a bit of a tangent against adulturers, and rightly so. With the entrance of Rudy Giuliani in this race, who was so bold that he moved his mistress into Gracie Mansion, it's bound to come up again. Presidential Candidate McCain, you're scheduled to give a talk to South Carolina students advocating that they forgo sex outside of marriage, right?

Presidential Candidate McCain: [Silence] (2/17/07)

Me: Wow. Even shorter, even more to the point. Maverick Senator McCain, your views on sex outside of marriage?

Maverick Senator McCain: Let me say that I am responsible for the breakup of my first marriage. I will not discuss or talk about that any more than that. If someone wants to criticize me for that, that's fine. (2/12/99)

Me: Not... Exactly what I was shooting for, but I admire Maverick Senator McCain's willingness to own up to his mistakes. Maverick Senator McCain, could you tell me your views on the "surge" in Iraq?

Maverick Senator McCain: Took us a long time to get in the situation we’re in, and to say that — and somehow assume that in a few months, that things are going to get all better I think is not realistic. (2/4/07)

Me: Presidential Candidate McCain, your response?

Presidential Candidate McCain: I think in the case of the Iraqi government cooperating and doing what’s necessary, we can know fairly well in a few months. (2/4/07, 47 seconds later)

Me: I want to thank you both for showing up today. We'll see you on the campaign trail.

2 comments:

LeftWingCracker said...

Dude, the right-hand picture looks just like Ric Flair!

Except that Ric Flair has more credibility these days...

Dabney said...

Where did the notion that McCain was moderate come from? Until recently, I thought he was fairly moderate, even going so far as threatening to vote for him against some Democrats. Personally, I wanted a Bill Bradley vs. McCain showdown instead of Bush v. Gore, but I digress. Now, when I really look into him, he has always been a little wacko.