Someone hit me at the Freedonian Mailbag (More from the Freedonian Mailbag later) to tell me this:
“You’re a disgusting person. You need to worry about your relationship with God.” – Name withheld by request
So I was thinking “You know, despite the asshattery expressed elsewhere in the email, maybe this irate man of letters (A few of which were actually in the proper order to spell words) is onto something.
As it so happens, I am a resourceful, well-connected man. So I called God up on my cell phone (I got the number from Isaac Hayes, who was obviously under divine inspiration when he wrote “(The Theme From) Shaft”. The following is a transcript of our conversation.
God: This better be important.
Me: Hey, chief. It’s me. The Freedonian.
God: Please be brief. There are big things going on.
Me: I’ll get right to the---
God: For the duration of this conversation, would you please get the sordid thoughts about Scarlett Johansen and baby oil out of your mind?
Me: Um, yeah. Sorry.
God: If you don’t, I’ll put Kathy Bates in there. I can do it, you know.
Me: I beg your mercy. Now, may we please talk?
God: If it pleases you. Besides Kathy Bates if you’re not careful, what’s on your mind?
Me: I just wanted to chat about politics for a bit. There are a lot of conservative Americans that feel like they speak for you. I just wanted to get some answers. Do you hate gay people?
God: There seems to be a new disaster every day. Despite rumor to the contrary, I don’t create them--- But I do have to manage them. Think of me as a Michael Brown that actually does something. The streets of Iraq are awash with American and Iraqi blood. And if that’s not enough, Anna Nicole Smith arrived yesterday, and she’s trying to give lapdances to the angels. Does it sound like I really have the time to be angry at people for being as I created them?
Me: Does that mean there are no lapdances in heaven? Can it be heaven without lapdances?
God: [Groans] Next question, please.
Me: Okay, since you brought it up. George W. Bush said you told him to invade Iraq. Is there any truth to this?
God: It figures he would be looking for someone to blame it on. Think of all the wars I directed the Israeli army on in the old days. Wanna know what they all had that you don’t have in Iraq? An exit strategy.
Me: Do you believe in the separation of church and state?
God: Hello? Did you actually bother to read my book? Didn’t my son say “Render to Caesar what belongs to Caesar and to God what belongs to God?” If we thought they were supposed to be the same, wouldn’t this have been a convenient place to say it?
Me: Well, I suppose. Then again, I’ve also heard it said that if you render unto God that which is God’s, there’s not really much left over for Caesar.
God: Ah, Dorothy Day. She’s made this a better place since I called her home, although I fear the Earth is much the worse for it. My book is a general guide for living. If you glean from it anything other than respect and kindness for your fellow man, the earth I created, and the animals and plants I populated it with, then you have a problem with contextualizing.
Me: What about economics?
God: Reread the Book of Luke and pay attention this time. Do I sound like a supply sider? Is the Laffer Curve in the sidebar of your Bible?
Me: Not in mine, no.
God: While we’re on the subject of people not being able to grasp context, can we please talk about the Book of Leviticus? Sound environmental doctrine throughout the book, and all people remember are the crazy parts about homosexuality and selling your daughters into slavery. What is with you people? I swear, at times, I think you’re my worst creation. Ever. And I don’t say that lightly. Try holding down a conversation with a Neanderthal.
Me: Yes, okay. While we’re on the subject--- Evolution, right?
God: Why do people think it has to be either/ or? Fine, acknowledge my existence. But don’t ignore scientific data. Following the Bible’s timelines rigidly would lead you to believe that the Earth is 5000 years old. Yet there are cave drawings older than that. Use your brains, people! I gave them to you for a reason.
Me: Does evil really exist in the world? Does Satan walk among us?
God: Well, someone had to design the butterfly ballots in Florida.
Me: Capital punishment. Whaddya think about it?
God: My son was the victim of capital punishment. What do you think I think about it?
Me: Okay, silly question.
God: When I told you to get the impure thoughts about Scarlett Johansen out of your head, I didn’t mean “replace them with Naomi Watts”.
Me: Sorry! I’m trying. But you have to admit, that was a rather good creation. If I die and go to heaven, can I watch her shower?
God: Slip again, and I’ll be upgrading you to the “Janet Reno topless in a hula skirt” plan.
Me: Whoa! No need to get THAT mean. You really ARE vengeful!
God: I’m in a bit of a hurry here. Anna Nicole just flashed John Paul II.
Me: Okay, final question: Is Ted Haggard really cured?
God: I had no idea he was sick.
Me: Aren’t you all-knowing?
God: I am indeed. Haggard is not sick; Merely human. He believed himself to be more than a man, and he felt that way because he condemned others. Something that, if he was really as familiar with my book and my doctrine as he believes, he would know is reserved for me and me alone. He had more than a little schadenfreude coming to him, don’t you think? Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to defuse this Anna Nicole Smith thing before “Scrubs” comes on.
Me: Now I know how that show stays on the air…
God: [In a voice so angry I don’t even know how to describe it] For that, you will pay and pay dearly. Three words for you… “Introducing Janet Reno!”
Me: NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!! You've got no sense of humor!
God: How can you say that? I made George W. Bush and Jake Ford.
There you have it. Now that I’ve had a few hours to recover, I can finally report what he said. I had fun (Except the Janet Reno part, obviously), so I think I’ll call him again soon.
Thanks for the suggestion!