Wednesday, April 11, 2007

The War Czar

Any time a White House has a problem that it knows cannot be solved, they appoint a "czar". We've got a drug czar, an intelligence czar, and now, according to today's Washington Post, the Bush White House wants to appoint a "War Czar".

Problem is, they can't find anyone to take the gig.

I love my country, and I'm willing to do whatever it takes to heal all that ails it... So I'll take the job.

The first thing we need to do is reassert control over our own wars. I'll shift 5,000 personnel from Iraq to Afghanistan to bolster the NATO forces there. Canada is bringing more bodies home from Afghanistan than we are these days--- They and the British are actually dealing with a resurgent Taliban in Southern Afghanistan.

The second thing I'll do is lobby Congress to pass a War Profiteering Act, much like we had in WWII. If Dubya wants to be remembered as a great president, he would do well to remember that Franklin Delano Roosevelt, the president that got us through our most difficult war, managed to do so while speaking out against the "war millionaires" rather than simply handing them blank checks. A statute against war profiteering might actually help prevent our next needless war.

The third thing I'll do is set out definite timelines with the new Iraqi government based on the September 2008 timetable set out by Congress. That's sixteen months. The new goal of the Iraqi government is to take over another 10% of our work every six weeks, reducing our involvement to a supporting role. Just because this war was started aimlessly doesn't mean it has to end that way. As long as we keep doing the Iraqi military's work, they'll never feel the need to step up. We have to make it clear that we are patient, but not infinitely so.

Fourth--- This is something Dubya claims to do already, but clearly does not--- I'll actually listen to the generals. You know, those guys with all the medals and stripes all over their uniforms that have actually spent decades studying war strategy? I'm thinking they might be more useful in a time of war than the suits at the Pentagon that were telling us we would be greeted by flowers. This would be a significant policy change for the White House, which tends to ignore generals in lieu of advice from someone that a general called the "stupidest fucking guy on the planet".

Fifth--- Let's run our wars like we don't have ADD for a change. Remember that Osama bin Laden guy? I want his head on a pike in front of the White House. We can mummify it, and have Pentagon employees pass it around and take it home every night like it's the Stanley Cup. Okay, maybe those last two ideas were kind of gross--- Just throwing out some ideas. But we're suffering from "mission creep", and it's time to focus. This is a war against al Qaeda--- And even the most novice of war strategists would tell you that creating new al Qaeda factions, giving them a new breeding ground, and giving them a place to practice killing Americans is a pretty bad idea. We couldn't be helping them more right now if we started tasking the White House Communications Department with making al Qaeda recruiting videos. Focus. Ignore the shiny thing on the ground over there.

So whaddya think? Do I have the job?

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